Funny White People

Applies to you

Yesterday while I was pumping gas at an Esso gas station I watched two white guys get into an argument.

This was not the argument that you would think, the argument was polite and the reason they were arguing? The white guy walking out of the Esso held the door for the white guy walking in. Then the one walking in said no after you….. and the white guy holding the door for the other white guy said… no no after you sir. They stood on either sides of the door with one white dude holding the door the other standing on the other side back and forth saying no after you. This went on for about 5 minutes while this was going on a whole family of Indians walked in and said nothing …seconds later a Indian women walked in said nothing all the while this retarded white man is still holding the door open and the other white guy is saying thank you … but after you .. LOL.. I laughed my stupid ass off.

Look, while it is nice to see some people still have a caring heart to think about the next person and hold the door for them, this is just stupid after the guy coming in said no after you .. just walk through man. The Indian family that walked in while this was going on didn’t even notice this was happening never mind they probably thought the white guy holding the door was doing it because it was his job. No one gives a shit no more, people in general are ass holes they don’t care about you and they don’t care about anything around them. If you cant change them….be like them. I see someone coming towards the door I make sure it slams in there face, why? Because if they had the same decision it would be slammed in my face. I learned after a couple of years of holding doors for people that no one gives a fuck. You look like a bitch holding the door some stupid ass mother fucker walks in and doesn’t even look at you never mind say thank you. You walk out like a bitch … your that mans bitch .. he owns you.

I have waited for a guy once just as he ran at the door I pushed it shut. When he walked in he looked at me and I looked at him .. like that’s right your a bitch I slammed the door in your fuckin face .. fuck face. I know its not nice and in a perfect world people would hold doors for people and say thank you. But we don’t, we live in a world of people that will cut there mothers throat for a buck.

Its the same when your trying to get off a bus or a train .. I push as many people as possible. I shove my way out like there is a fire and who ever is last is gonna burn a slow death. I shove my way through the door like its a fuckin Olympic race and I’m going for the damn gold medal bitch. Your Michael Johnson and I’m Donavan Bailey .. Because if you don’t act this way you will get stomped on. I’m in a train and I’m hopping over seats and babies to get to the door. Your in my way the elbows come out. I don’t give 2 fucks.

Driving your car on the streets? You should know how it is you either get through the lights or you sit behind everyone who will constantly cut around you no signals no brake lights .. in and out of traffic and pass you on the turning lanes. Pass you down the center median. So now I do the same, I see you trying to pass ill do the same .. shit I was going 140 along Mavis the other day and climbing because one women wanted to pass me even though I was doing like 90 in a 60 .. so as she began to speed up I did the same. Until we both were doing 140 and then she slowed down got in behind me and made a right turn. Crazy? Maybe .. but in our world of the careless and fuck you to get ahead this is the norm.

Welcome to the land of the free.

Im LeeRoy .. and im just like you …bitch !

Indians .vs. Mexicans

India

Man am I full…

I just had a huge ass burrito. It was great.

A new burrito place has just opened in my office building, and I have been there every day for lunch.  it looks like burritos are the new sushi.

Funny enough they had about 10 Indians working  and 3 Mexicans.  The funniest part of my day was watching an Indian girl teaching a

Mexico

Mexican girl how to make a burrito. That must be a turn off for any Mexican guy looking for a good wife that could cook and clean.

I think this is why Indians do really well now a days.  You put them in any country, and give them any job, and they could figure it out. Mexican.. maybe not so much, however we only have a few handful of Mexicans in Canada..

Save The Enviroment Run The Country Into The Ground

Environment maan! Stop Global warming, pass me a bong!

You know recently over the last couple of years people have been preaching about saving the environment. Global warming and saving whales and birds;  and don’t club baby seals no more.

You know, these people are taking the fun out of life. I have never clubbed a a baby seal but my gawd those people must have fun, okay I’m just kidding but seriously these people are pissing me off.

The first question I have is, do you people even work?  I mean, I see you guys on the street and out front of government buildings all the time. But you hippies don’t have full time jobs? How do you live? I’m all for protesting its a free country (not) but protesting about climate change is a waste of time.

Look how cute it is when it's not all bashed into a bloody pulp..

If people would spend more time protesting about our taxes, insurance rates or jail time for criminals maybe we would actually get somewhere. But protesting about climate change in Canada of all places is a joke. We are low on the list for environmental gasses. Go to China and protest them, go to Russia and protest them. How about the USA?  Go there and protest them.

The fact that people are losing their jobs at the moment and that we are in a recession and you people have the nerve to show up in Ottawa to protest and ask for environmental changes shows how obviously retarded you are. Yeah, instead of putting money into creating jobs and helping people get back on their feet, let’s tax companies for spewing smoke and close down power plants that are providing us with jobs and energy.

The 60's hippies are now either dead, or homeless. All these ones are dead from AIDS.

How many companies do you think will leave Canada because of stupid shit like that? They can go anywhere in Europe or go back to the United states and make their money.

Look I agree that the world is changing and we need to reduce emissions and carbons and stuff like that, but you need to implement things slowly and smartly. A large change in the way we live will bankrupt this country and the only countries that will profit and benefit will be India, China and any of the countries that don’t have to abide by any of those laws despite the fact that they are the worst.

You think riding your bike to work will stop climate change? And walking around in the dark in your house without the heat on bundled up in a snow suit and eating lettuce that you grew in your backyard will save the environment?

Our Mom is an environmental bitch, until she gets in her Hummer. It makes her feel "safe".

Good go ahead and be stupid. Eating food that you grow yourself is great, I say fuck the companies that charge all this money for shit you can grow yourself. If you can save money by not having to pay for gas and insurance and a car payment, that’s great all the power to you.

But when you think that you are better then the average person because you actually think your doing something for the environment when in reality you are probably one of those people that carry your biodegradable bags into Sobey’s spend 3 times the amount for products then any normal grocery store costs. Then you pay with your bank card or credit card costing you more, walk back out to your SUV that you don’t use to go off-roading, that you only use to go grocery shopping and take your kids to school because you think a mini van is not in style. Your insurance premiums are double the amount of any normal person because you choose to drive an expensive SUV.

Besides, it's all the soccer moms that are crashing into everything anyways. Crashing is not environmentally friendly..

Or you purchased your BMW or Mercedes and spend $300 every 400o kms to get an oil change and $1000 to have a headlight changed because you decided you had to have an overpriced unreliable German headache so people around you think you got money and your cool.

FUCK OFF..

I’m tired of it, I’m tired of seeing you people trying to help the environment by doing stupid shit. How about the idiots that were so mad they went to a Hummer dealership and set 6 Hummers on fire with gasoline to prove a point that those cars waste gas and hurt the environment? While I agree they do, you just wasted a can of gasoline, that’s 1,  2) Insurance companies just paid out for new vehicles so insurance premiums probably went up in the area. 3) All the smoke chemicals  from the fires went right up into the air that we all breathe. Good Job !!

I’m LeeRoy …………….. I’m hoping for Global warming because its delicious.

I’m number 3

Fuuuuckkk.... I wanna go to bed right now..woooork...uuughh

Photo by joelogon

Tasers and Baby Jesus

I think everyone should be born with taser hands. Taser hands that shoot taser string things with lots of voltage and then everyone wouldn’t be stabbing and shooting each other because they have tasers for hands.

Back off! Get your own sandwich!

I personally love tasers and even if everyone isn’t born with taser hands everyone should have the right to own and carry a taser. Then when someone says “hey fuck you”, you can taser the shit out of that mother fucker. Could you imagine how cool that would be?  Just tasering random people and shit? Well not random people but I mean you’re on the bus to work and the bus driver wont give you a transfer …zaaaaaap! Tasred bitch! How did that feel? then the bus swerves off the side of the highway doing 100 kmh flipping into a ditch end over end. Then when people are laying dying they taser themselves to survive. Then like a guy’s car breaks down on the side of the road and you taser the battery and boom car is started. You get a black out and just taser everything in your house boom and you got television.

I think everyone should own or have tasers grafted into there hands because could you imagine sports?  Like in a Hockey game, the guy has the puck and zaaaaaaaap! Ohhh shit he got tasered, then like everyone is tasering everyone on the ice and the ice is making the charge 50% stronger because its ice and ice is delicious. So you’re watching a football game and zaaaaaaaap! Tasered bitch! Like Brett Favre goes to throw the ball and instead he tasers the whole other teams defensive line… crazy..

Like i’m sure baby Jesus had a taser, but his was natural. We all need a taser gun and we need to spit lava, that would be sick. But we suck, we have nothing but fists and feets and teeth and head butts ..   

Im LeeRoy …. and we should all have tasers because baby Jesus would want it that way.

Bugs Bunny Downtown?

Bugs?

Public washrooms

You know working within an office building I have to use a public washroom everyday. I have noticed some odd behavior and wonder if I’m the only one that does not understand how to take a piss at a urinal?

Usually I go into the washroom and notice piss all over the floors in front and around the urinals. I have come to a conclusion that either these people that are pissing on the floors are either not holding their dicks while they piss or they piss on their balls because their dick is so small. Now, they could also be doing this because they have low flow plumbing in their body from all the dirty shit they eat. However, they could also be playing a game when I’m not around to see who can stand as far back from the urinal and get it in. Either way I’m tired of walking through peoples piss.

The second thing I’ve notice is hair all over the place. How hairy are you that you have hair falling off your balls into the urinal onto the floor onto the toilet seat? It amazes me that this type of shit happens. One day just to be an asshole because I couldn’t take it anymore. I got a wig and threw it into one of the urinals. Maybe that will get someones attention that they need to start trimming that shit because I don’t know how there wives or girlfriends put up with buckwheat balls.

Another is people that walk up to the urinal while your pissing and keep spitting into the urinal all the while they are pissing. Why? I don’t get it, what is the reason behind it?

That also brings me to the assholes that walk up to the urinal while your standing at another urinal and they proceed to fart and shake it off with there leg. They hork and then spit or they make noises while they piss. AHHHH … OHHH YEAH><>> WTF ..really you realize your not at home? I’m standing right here why am I listening to your shit.

If your going to use a stall courtesy flush for the love of everything holy. Hearing you fart and shit a poof and water splashing in a toilet boil is fucked up. I don’t even want to listen to my own shits why the fuck do I have to listen to your ugly shits.

Cleaning yourself at the sink? I have seen too many time guy’s actually cleaning themselves at the sink. Were not talking about washing your hands were talking about guys that wash their faces, arm pits, arms, brush their teeth and anything else that you should be taking care of while at home.

I’m LeeRoy ……..and people need to recognize!

Lady Bugs Attack Toronto

BREAKING NEWS:

Lady bugs are attacking Toronto and surrounding areas.

Billions of them!

Yesterday while sitting at my desk I noticed it getting really dark outside. I went looked up at the window and to my surprise the window was covered in rabid yeast infected lady bugs. I freaked out as they were banging against the glass window of the building with there fists. I ran outside and instantly was attacked by giant lady fucks that tried to crawl inside my ears and fuck my brain.

I have never seen anything like this in my life.  My co-worker Natasha was outside swatting them away with a bottle of ice tea and screaming at the top of her lungs “fuck you fuckin fucks,ill fuckin fuck you into the fuckin ground lady bug fuck.”, and she is a church going, well mannered woman who wouldn’t curse to save her life.

I quickly found myself fighting with the rest of my fellow co-workers to live. It was us against millions of pissed off robot siamese yeast infected lady bugs (run by the FBI). I was punching them right in the face. I was just swinging for the fences not knowing what I’m hitting. I knocked out a couple co-workers accidentally, but it was a swarm, we ran inside and hid. But it didn’t end the entire out side of the office building was covered by rabid humping lady bugs and we eventually exited the building and just ran while we punched the lady bugs dead in there mouths.  Luckily just as the swarming started it ended. Today I came into work and no lady bugs were around.

It was freaking crazy!

The swarming shut down businesses, community centers and most people stayed indoors. Report of 48 deaths by lady bug mauling, 3 people had there wallets stolen by the lady bugs and there was over 100 separate incidents involving lady bugs cutting the brake lines on cars, painting graffiti on walls, attempting drive by shootings in stolen vehicles, and DUI’s.

All in all it was a horrible day to say the least, and next time I see a lady bug I will yell in its face then drop kick it in the back when its not looking.

I’m LeeRoy …………………Ill punch a lady bug clear in the jaw.

Things that make you go WTF ?

Ever go into a gas station to pay for your gas with a credit card and the girl behind the counter yells at you MESSAGE!!  MESSAGE!! and your like WTF? and then she hands you your receipt to sign and points at it and says Message!

WTF?

Ever buy the most expensive car wash at a gas station, take your car through it, and no soap or wax shoot out onto your car, just water, then you get out the other side your car looks worst than when it went in? So you go into the gas station to ask for a refund or another wash ticket and the guy says you don’t get soap or wax with the super duper wash. You only get it with the regular wash. WTF ?

Ever go into Canadian tire to pick up one damn thing that is 50% off to find out that they are out of stock,  and then you leave with $300 worth of shit that isn’t on sale?

Ever go into Shoppers drug mart and pay $10 for Axe body spray then one day your wife goes to Walmart and buys you 4 of the same Axe body sprays for only $2 each and they weren’t even on sal?

Ever have to take a piss walk into the washroom unzip and nothing comes out? Even though you feel like you gotta piss like a race horse?

Ever buy a pair of jeans that fit perfect then you wash them for the first time go to put them on and they look like floods?

Ever go to McDonald’s and pay $7 for a Big Mac combo then run to the toilet and flush that $7 right down the shitter?

Ever go to the gas station with like $10, and instead of holding the handle down all the way so that it fills up fast you hold it down just a little so that the people around think your putting in more gas then you really are?

Ever come outside of your house and smell pure shit? Then you’re like WTF? Where is that coming from?

Ever go to the movie theatre to watch a movie and some stupid ass is sitting behind you keeps kicking the back of your chair, so you turn around and give him that look. Then he keeps doing it, so you stand up and yell out WTF is wrong with you mother fucker? And he is like, “ummm sorry”, and moves?

Ever use a phone booth and just as you realize you have no quarter you find one sitting in the change tray?

Ever steal the money sitting on the desk at the Tim Horton’s and then pay for a coffee with it?

Ever see a spilled cup of coffee and a pylon on the floor and think, WTF? Why didn’t they just mop it up?

Ever get into an elevator with a fat person and you keep looking at the sign above the buttons that says only 4000 pounds allowed and wonder if today your gonna die?

Ever notice that people that drive BMW’s and Mercedes don’t ever use turning signals? You’d think that if you paid that much for that car, wouldn’t they come with turning signals?

Ever see a guy on a motorcycle driving between cars and think about opening up your door just as he is about to pass?

Ever put a Q tip in your ear and as your cleaning your ear wonder how close you are to piercing your brain and dying?

Ever wonder what would happen if you inflated the tires on your car with Helium?

Ever hold the door open for someone who looks like they are about to enter however they stop to talk on a cell phone or light a smoke and you think, fuck?

Ever push when you should have pulled?

Ever walked into a Walmart and even though you have money and are buying things, you keep looking over your shoulder and up at the black camera covers on the ceiling wondering if someone is watching you?

The Travelocity Gnome Found Raped and Murdered

Report’s from Mexican police this morning claim that the Travelocity Gnome was found dead in his 2 star hotel room at the Violar Sexo resort in Acapulco at approximately 10:35 am.

The report states that the morning cleaner found the roaming gnome in the hotel room bathroom, duct taped and hanging from the shower curtain rod in a bondage like scene. It is also reported that he had 3 hotel shampoo bottles stuffed in his ass and a bar of soap in his mouth.

Non-raped gnome

A quick search by police uncovered more interesting evidence. They found a 3 foot metal dildo and a car battery under the hotel room bed and a laptop computer with naked pictures of William Shatner doing some truly obscene things with the Gnome.

After speaking with one of the daily hotel cleaners, she admitted that she had seen the Gnome go back to his hotel room late last night covered in feces, yelling profanity. She claimed that the Gnome was talking about drinking too much and how a male at the bar had jammed the Gnome up his ass. The Gnome is believed to have gone inside his hotel room to take a shower, when a somebody came into the room. So far there is no description of the male that entered the Gnome’s room, however it is believed to be the same male at the resort bar that night.

An autopsy is being done today and the investigators hope they uncover some evidence to point to the perpetrator.

LeeRoy