Posts Tagged ‘holidays’
Tips on having a Green Christmas
With food:
1. When purchasing food over the holidays only purchase from local farmers. If you don’t have a farm close to your home, you can get free food from the food bank who doesn’t care if you make over $100,000 a year and drive a 2009 Lexus ISF. Load the trunk up with as much free food that you can get that will save the environment.
2. Recycling food: You can recycle food from prior get-togethers. That Baptism cake from back in August is still good a little dry but just add some water to it to moisten it up. You can also add olive oil and a little milk to revive that 6 month old cake. Peel the icing off with the Baptism names on it or what ever is on it and put new icing. Just make sure its icing that you made yourself.
3. While you’re cooking your food, leave the oven door open and turn off your heat in the house. Your oven will heat your house.
4. Grow your own fruit, vegetables, turkey’s in your back yard.
5. Fill everyone’s glasses that you widdled out of wood prior .. with snow.. it will be a nice cold snack while they sit there and when it melts it will be a good portion of protein and water.
6. Make lots and lots of salad out of tree leaves and pine cones and squirrel nuts.
Free tree from last year! Score motherfucker!
Green Decorating tips for Christmas:
1. Use real shit. Instead of buying fake mistletoe use real toes. Instead of fake plastic ornaments….make your own ornaments from carving wood into little animals, or use things around your house just hang those things off the tree. Like ear phones, used extension cords as garland, and use a barbie doll for the angel on top. Use pine cones and dead leaves that you find outside your house.
2. Buying a Christmas tree? Don’t bother you are killing the environment by doing this. And don’t buy a fake tree because you are killing the environment with a plastic tree. Buy a tree from a garden store that you can keep indoors all year round in a pot. If that doesn’t work then build a fake tree by carving old wood that you have laying around into a tree and a bicycle for fun.
3. Instead of Christmas lights that waste electricity why not purchase candles and place them along your roof top for a nice fiery glow at night.
4. Decorating your dog on Christmas will save the environment, you can take old socks or underwear and re-use them to make pretty little sweaters for your dog to stay warm instead of dying a freezing cold death and ruining Christmas for you and your rotten children that wont walk him.
5. Decorate your kitchen table with wood or pine cones and leaves, place a tip jar in the middle and watch how much you make from your family. They may think its funny but they will put money in it because they are stupid and you are smart.
6. Instead of carpet tear up your grass in the back yard and use it in your dining room and at the front door of your house. Not only does it smell great it looks nice and expensive as well as it will insulate your home while your heat is off.
7. Shaving cream looks like snow. So save the environment and spray everything with shaving cream then punch your dog in the face till it stops barking.
The Xmas Rocket
Staying green while you holiday travel:
1. Walk to your family’s house, ski to your family’s house only with real ski’s that you made out of wood. Don’t ever use your car or train or plane.. your killing the world and baby Jesus is crying because of you.
2. Ride your bike with your child on your back in a sack. Make sure this is not a metal store bought bike that will kill the earth, make sure you widdle with your rambo knife (never use a chain saw because your killing the environment) a clown bike with 3 seats or even 8 seats that your entire family can enjoy peddling over the hills they go laughing all the way in a wooden clown bike that seats 8 in the snow.
Enough gifts for everyone!
Green Gifts to give:
1. The best gift to give is your time. You slaved all year for a paycheck the least your ungrateful children and wife can do is shut the fuck up for Christmas. If your asked what you want for Christmas say you want to be left alone.. not only will this save you money this will save the environment and the risk of one of your children being punched in the fucking skull for talking back during present time.
2. Give your children the gifts that keep on giving, a nice piece of wood and a knife to crave themselves an Xbox. This way not only will you be saving the environment you will be teaching your children a good lesson in working for a living and carving skills that they will need when they get older.
3. When your wife looks at you and wonders where her gift is .. tell her that your the gift that keeps giving everyday. She will realize what she has and shut the fuck up.
4. Giving gifts to your extended family? Don’t.. instead write on a piece of toilet paper Merry Christmas with a chocolate brown organic marker not only will they be happy to receive your Christmas wish they will be amazed that you were able to write so neatly with your own shit on toilet paper.
5. Make wooden whoopie cushions for everyone so that when everyone is making the whoopie cushions toot ..you can pass gas all night not only are you saving the environment you are heating yourself and the house. You are also recycling your intake of food into gas to keep you warm.
I’m LeeRoy .. and have a Merry Green Environmentally Ill Christmas.
It’s December 1st. Again.
Already.
Sheesh, it’s been quite the year. Aside from the snow this morning, it doesn’t really feel like Christmas.
When I was a kid, there would be crazy snow all November, everyone has Christmas lights up, Christmas sales and events were everywhere, and the general Christmas spirit made everything feel right.
Funny enough, I was out of the country last year, and despite no snow, Christmas was amazing there. However, it wasn’t as multicultural as it is here in Toronto.
Now it’s about selling stuff. Not even buying stuff like a few years back. It’s completely about the sale.
Bleh.
Dysfunctional Family Christmas’s happen in my family every year. I’m sure everyone has a story to tell about some stupid shit that happens around the Christmas holidays.
This year I cant wait to see what happens in my family. Over the last couple of years, I have had awkward moments when it was time to open up presents. Like, remember the time no one got any presents for that step sister or brother you just don’t like? And that step sister or brother decided to spend over $100 on you and others on gifts? Then they are like hey…where is my gift? And when they realize no one got them shit… they have that look like I don’t care .. mehhh .. sure you don’t ass fuck .. you just got raped for a present. You know they go to the washroom and 1 tear rolls down their cheek. They stay strong though wipe it away and come right back like they never even noticed that they aint got shit.
How about when your family all sits down for dinner and you realize 1 place is missing. Oh shit sorry Granpa .. umm we aint got no more chairs we forgot. Just go sit on the couch and eat your turkey dinner with your back to us while we talk amongst ourselves.
Dad?
How about when you get your dinner? You ever have one of those family Christmas’s that the person who is having the Christmas get together, just cant cook? Hey pass the Ham and Turkey .. hold on .. what is? …ummm what iiiiiiiis this ?………This is Ham? Mom is this ham did Aunt Jen make Ham? Instead its a giant slab of uncut Bologna from Food Basics drizzled in maple syrup…yummmmy..yum..yum. Ill take seconds of that rat nest of hell. You grab something that looks like mashed potatoes and its got raisins in it..ha ha. Why does someone always ruin everything with fucking raisins? Turkey …is cooking .. hmm needs raisins. OOOOOOOwwwwwww I know .. Coffee is brewing… hmm not tasty enough.. need raisins. What the fuck? Are you fucked up? Like your fuckin brain is a damn raisin you Christmas ruiner.
How about the cousin that no one likes? You know the one that shows up with a fuckin Nintendo DS and fuckin pokemon and sits in the fuckin corner all night playing it till he leaves. Retard .. fuck I hate that fuckin mental retarded kid.
How about the getting ready to go…I love the getting ready to go… you know you plan on leaving by 2:00 but really that means 3:00 and your running around like a fuckin banshee. Your getting ready wife is getting ready .. cologne stinks like shit .. your hair just wont gel the way you want it too. You woke up with a zit on the end of your nose the size of a watermelon. You cant find your keys.
Fluffy!
You cant find the wife’s purse..you leave and forget the presents and half way there you gotta turn around and come back. You put on a tie and cant breathe…your dress shirt don’t fit so well since last year because you put on some neck fat.. and it wont button up. Your wife wants to put on some festive candy cane earrings but cant find them. You pull out of the driveway with an empty tank of gas .. you decide to wash your car your going to see relatives but after washing it, it really looks no better but you feel its 100% even though no one will actually see your car because it will be parked down the street because of all the family getting there before you.
How about the family member that had to work in the morning and show up after work wearing there work uniform? Ha ha ha .. security or what ever.
Why does some old person always fall down at least once at Christmas?
Why does some kids always break something or fall down stairs at Christmas?
Christmas with family is fun but what is more fun is farting in a fucking space suit. That’s funny….
I’m LeeRoy … and have a happy dysfunctional family Christmas !
But it feels like September or something at best..
This is what the Christmas spirit feels like right now..
Report’s from Mexican police this morning claim that the Travelocity Gnome was found dead in his 2 star hotel room at the Violar Sexo resort in Acapulco at approximately 10:35 am.
The report states that the morning cleaner found the roaming gnome in the hotel room bathroom, duct taped and hanging from the shower curtain rod in a bondage like scene. It is also reported that he had 3 hotel shampoo bottles stuffed in his ass and a bar of soap in his mouth.
Non-raped gnome
A quick search by police uncovered more interesting evidence. They found a 3 foot metal dildo and a car battery under the hotel room bed and a laptop computer with naked pictures of William Shatner doing some truly obscene things with the Gnome.
After speaking with one of the daily hotel cleaners, she admitted that she had seen the Gnome go back to his hotel room late last night covered in feces, yelling profanity. She claimed that the Gnome was talking about drinking too much and how a male at the bar had jammed the Gnome up his ass. The Gnome is believed to have gone inside his hotel room to take a shower, when a somebody came into the room. So far there is no description of the male that entered the Gnome’s room, however it is believed to be the same male at the resort bar that night.
An autopsy is being done today and the investigators hope they uncover some evidence to point to the perpetrator.
LeeRoy
This was actually in the newspaper and I could not believe what the hell I was reading. So I decided to post it up .. and add a couple more tips on how to make your Thanksgiving green.
1. Stay Close to Home - Thanksgiving is traditionally a time when airports and highways are jam packed. Why not skip spending time with your family and friends save some carbon to help the environment ?
Really? After reading this I wanted to go outside with aerosol cans and spray them directly into the air. I want to leave my car running in a parking lot by itself all day while i’m at work. I want to dig a hole in my backyard and fill it with my recycling.
2. Keep it simple – Instead of spending all day cooking to amaze your friends. Using tons of electricity and killing the earth why not cook everything on a BBQ or serve cold food that still tastes great.
WTF? You know as a man I will tell you that hot Thanksgiving Turkey mash potatoes and piping hot gravy drizzled over everything is amazing. These people must be crazy .. cold food? No TV ? No lights?
3. Go Vegetarian – You will be amazed at how many option you have cooking vegetarian thanksgiving dinner. Livestock put a huge strain on the planet.
Okay okay. I see where they are going with this. Really? I mean seriously? This is the reason why you wonder …hmm… why isn’t anyone coming over for Thanksgiving dinner? OHHH.. that’s right because we are retarded! Cooking vegetarian meals on thanksgiving is like farting in a full elevator. No one wants to be around you. Assholes!
4. Serve Organic Beverages – Speaks for itself other then local wines that are organic.
Hey MOM what would you like to drink? ummm… We got black bean drink, we got ice cold asparagus soda too. Hey POP want a beer I got apple cider from the native reserve, the label says Dickens Cider. Fuck off!
Stupid hippy getting ready for Thanksgiving
5. Use What You Have – This is one of the easiest cheapest ways to go green any day of the year, and it works on Thanksgiving too. You don’t need fancy dishes or glasses. Just use your regular dishes no one will care.
Really? I fuckin’ care. If I come over to your welfare ass house and you try to serve me on old ass dishes, this is what would happen: You: “Here you go LeeRoy here is your plate of vegetarian ball sack on our old ass dishes and a ice cold glass of carrot juice, juiced by myself.” Me: “What the fuck is this? Are you fuckin’ retarded MOM?” *SMASH! PLATE UPSIDE THE HEAD* Glass of carrot shit into the wall. WTF, you cheap ass, go cash another government check and purchase some fuckin’ new plates those were handed down from great great grandma! Fuckin’ flower designs are as old as Jesus. Why are you serving me this shit? You trying to kill me with your cold ass vegetables and ass drink? Fuck this im going to McPukes!
6. Buy From the Goodwill – Purchase your table cloth, gravy bowl, spoons or anything else you need from the Goodwill. Because its better to buy second hand to save the environment.
OMG! After reading this I honestly punched the first person next to me in the face. Are you serious? This is your plan to save the environment? Anyone honestly thinking about doing this to save the environment is honestly retarded. Like mentally. This is the dumbest thing I’ve heard. But it gets better.
7. Decorate With Natural Materials – Skip purchasing decor from stores, instead go for a nice long walk in the woods and grab some pine-cones and sticks.
Grab leaves and bird nests and nuts and berries hang them all over your house like a fuckin’ big foot would in his cave. Fuck off…
8. Illuminate you home with beeswax or soy candles – Yes don’t use your electricity instead put beeswax all over your home and light it up. .
Oh and don’t use a lighter, because it made of plastic and stuff. Light the beeswax by rubbing two sticks together or striking rocks.
That’s the end of the stupid shit that is getting spewed out of the mouths of assholes who carry there own fuckin’ bags into the stores to purchase food and the people that are jogging every morning and farting stinky vegetable farts in the elevators that you have to deal with. These people suck. Back in the 80’s when every car was a gas polluting pig and the coal power plants spewed black smoke into the sky, now that was great. Now everyone wants to drive a hybrid, eat organic vegetables and cry about baby seals. Fuck it .. I don’t care ..
I’m LeeRoy .. Go fuck yourself Green Peace !!
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