Bah

Man, the holidays are pretty much done, and it’s back to the office (sad face).

It’s super cold today in Toronto and I wish I was back in my bed passed out.

Such is life.

Ducks

Botox ducklips. Maaaaaan….

That’s some ugly shit. .

You look like a fucking duck bitch.

Why would you do that?

Why?

You look like you give blowjobs to fire hydrants for a living.

Bleh.

Handifat

I do my horrid little routine this morning, hop on the train.

I hate the fucking train.

Anyways, I end up walking through the handicap cart, which is for handicap people. You figure you would see people in wheel chairs, and other handicap people.

Did I? No. Not even a retard..

You know what I did see though? Fat people.

To be a bit more accurate, fat women. The same ones that use the handicap elevator to go up the one flight of stairs.

Sheesh..

Lazy much motherfuckers?

Photography: Not a real job.

Funny enough, I’ve noticed in that in the last few years, that I now know about 1000 photographers.  I think every second person that I’ve met in my life is now a photographer.

When I was younger I used to be an avid photographer.  I used to buy the books, subscribe to the magazines, and spend all my money on film and camera stuff.

It was fun to take pictures, but it was a hobby.  It was something to do.

Welcome to 2009.  Where everyone hates their jobs, can afford to buy a 500$ camera.

Here are the steps to becoming a professional photgrapher:

1. Hate your job.
2. Have enough money for a decent camera.
3. Have a printer at home to print your own business cards.
4. Have someone that can pay your rent (parents).
5. Add ‘Photography’ to your name (ie. John Smith Photography).
6. Spend your weekends taking pictures of stuff.
7. Carry a camera around with you always.  Every shot is an award winning shot.
8. Use craigslist to find models to take pictures of.
9. Become friends with a Starbucks barista, hoping to get your picture on the wall.
10. Have a dream.

I really like #10.  Because you really need a dream to succeed.  out of those 1000 photographers I know, maybe…2, and thats just pushing it..2 people out of those 1000 probably make a very uncomfortable living from being a photographer.

I have a few hobbies that I was I could quit working so that I can do them full time.  These would be:

1. Play video games.
2. Ride my motorcycle.
3. Eat.
4. Sleep.
5. Hang out.

You know. Honestly I will not make money from doing any of that.  I might as well become a photographer.  I wonder if I was to add these hobbies to my name and make my own business cards, would it work out?

• Shaun Empire Gaming
• Shaun Empire Riding
• Shaun Empire Eating
• Shaun Empire Sleep Technology
• Shaun Empire Professional Hanging

Who knows.. Probably not.

Maybe I will just pick up a Camera, quit my job, and see where it takes me.

The most awesome Tiger Woods Re-enactment

Gotta hand it to the Chinese.  They make life super awesome.  I love how Tiger gets beat up and chased with the golf club.  CNN learns to learn from these guys..

Tips to save the environment for Christmas…

Tips on having a Green Christmas

With food:

1. When purchasing food over the holidays only purchase from local farmers. If you don’t have a farm close to your home, you can get free food from the food bank who doesn’t care if you make over $100,000 a year and drive a 2009 Lexus ISF. Load the trunk up with as much free food that you can get that will save the environment.

2. Recycling food: You can recycle food from prior get-togethers. That Baptism cake from back in August is still good a little dry but just add some water to it to moisten it up. You can also add olive oil  and a little milk to revive that 6 month old cake. Peel the icing off with the Baptism names on it or what ever is on it and put new icing. Just make sure its icing that you made yourself.

3. While you’re cooking your food, leave the oven door open and turn off your heat in the house. Your oven will heat your house.

4. Grow your own fruit, vegetables, turkey’s in your back yard.

5. Fill everyone’s glasses that you widdled out of wood prior .. with snow.. it will be a nice cold snack while they sit there and when it melts it will be a good portion of protein and water.

6. Make lots and lots of salad out of tree leaves and pine cones and squirrel nuts.

Free tree from last year! Score motherfucker!

Green Decorating tips for Christmas:

1. Use real shit. Instead of buying fake mistletoe use real toes. Instead of fake plastic ornaments….make your own ornaments from carving wood into little animals, or use things around your house just hang those things off the tree. Like ear phones, used extension cords as garland, and use a barbie doll for the angel on top. Use pine cones and dead leaves that you find outside your house.

2. Buying a Christmas tree? Don’t bother you are killing the environment by doing this. And don’t buy a fake tree because you are killing the environment with a plastic tree. Buy a tree from a garden store that you can keep indoors all year round in a pot. If that doesn’t work then build a fake tree by carving old wood that you have laying around into a tree and a bicycle for fun.

3. Instead of Christmas lights that waste electricity why not purchase candles and place them along your roof top for a nice fiery glow at night.

4. Decorating your dog on Christmas will save the environment, you can take old socks or underwear and re-use them to make pretty little sweaters for your dog to stay warm instead of dying a freezing cold death and ruining Christmas for you and your rotten children that wont walk him.

5. Decorate your kitchen table with wood or pine cones and leaves, place a tip jar in the middle and watch how much you make from your family. They may think its funny but they will put money in it because they are stupid and you are smart.

6. Instead of carpet tear up your grass in the back yard and use it in your dining room and at the front door of your house. Not only does it smell great it looks nice and expensive as well as it will insulate your home while your heat is off.

7. Shaving cream looks like snow. So save the environment and spray everything with shaving cream then punch your dog in the face till it stops barking.

The Xmas Rocket

Staying green while you holiday travel:

1. Walk to your family’s house, ski to your family’s house only with real ski’s that you made out of wood. Don’t ever use your car or train or plane.. your killing the world and baby Jesus is crying because of you.

2. Ride your bike with your child on your back in a sack. Make sure this is not a metal store bought bike that will kill the earth, make sure you widdle with your rambo knife (never use a chain saw because your killing the environment) a clown bike with 3 seats or even 8 seats that your entire family can enjoy peddling over the hills they go laughing all the way in a wooden clown bike that seats 8 in the snow.

Enough gifts for everyone!

Green Gifts to give:

1. The best gift to give is your time. You slaved all year for a paycheck the least your ungrateful children and wife can do is shut the fuck up for Christmas. If your asked what you want for Christmas say you want to be left alone.. not only will this save you money this will save the environment and the risk of one of your children being punched in the fucking skull for talking back during present time.

2. Give your children the gifts that keep on giving, a nice piece of wood and a knife to crave themselves an Xbox. This way not only will you be saving the environment you will be teaching your children a good lesson in working for a living and carving skills that they will need when they get older.

3. When your wife looks at you and wonders where her gift is .. tell her that your the gift that keeps giving everyday. She will realize what she has and shut the fuck up.

4. Giving gifts to your extended family? Don’t.. instead write on a piece of toilet paper Merry Christmas with a chocolate brown organic marker not only will they be happy to receive your Christmas wish they will be amazed that you were able to write so neatly with your own shit on toilet paper.

5. Make wooden whoopie cushions for everyone so that when everyone is making the whoopie cushions toot ..you can pass gas all night not only are you saving the environment you are heating yourself and the house. You are also recycling your intake of food into gas to keep you warm.

I’m LeeRoy .. and have a Merry Green Environmentally Ill Christmas.

Funny White People

Applies to you

Yesterday while I was pumping gas at an Esso gas station I watched two white guys get into an argument.

This was not the argument that you would think, the argument was polite and the reason they were arguing? The white guy walking out of the Esso held the door for the white guy walking in. Then the one walking in said no after you….. and the white guy holding the door for the other white guy said… no no after you sir. They stood on either sides of the door with one white dude holding the door the other standing on the other side back and forth saying no after you. This went on for about 5 minutes while this was going on a whole family of Indians walked in and said nothing …seconds later a Indian women walked in said nothing all the while this retarded white man is still holding the door open and the other white guy is saying thank you … but after you .. LOL.. I laughed my stupid ass off.

Look, while it is nice to see some people still have a caring heart to think about the next person and hold the door for them, this is just stupid after the guy coming in said no after you .. just walk through man. The Indian family that walked in while this was going on didn’t even notice this was happening never mind they probably thought the white guy holding the door was doing it because it was his job. No one gives a shit no more, people in general are ass holes they don’t care about you and they don’t care about anything around them. If you cant change them….be like them. I see someone coming towards the door I make sure it slams in there face, why? Because if they had the same decision it would be slammed in my face. I learned after a couple of years of holding doors for people that no one gives a fuck. You look like a bitch holding the door some stupid ass mother fucker walks in and doesn’t even look at you never mind say thank you. You walk out like a bitch … your that mans bitch .. he owns you.

I have waited for a guy once just as he ran at the door I pushed it shut. When he walked in he looked at me and I looked at him .. like that’s right your a bitch I slammed the door in your fuckin face .. fuck face. I know its not nice and in a perfect world people would hold doors for people and say thank you. But we don’t, we live in a world of people that will cut there mothers throat for a buck.

Its the same when your trying to get off a bus or a train .. I push as many people as possible. I shove my way out like there is a fire and who ever is last is gonna burn a slow death. I shove my way through the door like its a fuckin Olympic race and I’m going for the damn gold medal bitch. Your Michael Johnson and I’m Donavan Bailey .. Because if you don’t act this way you will get stomped on. I’m in a train and I’m hopping over seats and babies to get to the door. Your in my way the elbows come out. I don’t give 2 fucks.

Driving your car on the streets? You should know how it is you either get through the lights or you sit behind everyone who will constantly cut around you no signals no brake lights .. in and out of traffic and pass you on the turning lanes. Pass you down the center median. So now I do the same, I see you trying to pass ill do the same .. shit I was going 140 along Mavis the other day and climbing because one women wanted to pass me even though I was doing like 90 in a 60 .. so as she began to speed up I did the same. Until we both were doing 140 and then she slowed down got in behind me and made a right turn. Crazy? Maybe .. but in our world of the careless and fuck you to get ahead this is the norm.

Welcome to the land of the free.

Im LeeRoy .. and im just like you …bitch !

Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Aweeeesome!

So recently I decided to purchase a Playstation 3. I also purchased COD Modern Warfare 2. This game is the most addictive game I have ever played in my life. I mean this game is kinda like crack, not a giant pile of crack just a nice cut line of crack winding its way down a street all the way into the depths of hell. I began playing this game online against other crack fiends around the world, and my gawd I couldn’t put the damn game down. I kept playing for 36 hours straight. Eventually waking up on the floor in a puddle of my own puked, shit and piss. However the controller still held tight in my palm. I sat up and began playing again all the while I smell like a fucking 800 year old rotting dead corpse from my no shower sweating while I’m ducking grenades and snipers. The feces is stuck to my pants, my legs and balls and whole crotch is itchy, red and swollen from piss while I still continue to play my cracked out game of war. I’m leveling up real quick getting new perks and unlocking weapons that are making me crave more more.

I get a kill streak of 12 and launch my AC-130 gun ship and I begin to laugh and yell at all the punk bitches i’m blasting from the sky above. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUUUU HA HA HA HA HA …. every time I slash a mother fucker online that i d0nt know makes me tremble with delight. The pure rush from this game is getting me hard .. its making me wanna pull out my fucker and begin fucking the PS3 right in the drive. Its the best rush .. its like fucking on a Ferris wheel that broke off and is rolling down a mountain full of dildos and strife.

I piss my pants again, and then hear the door bell ring. You think I give a fuck?.. I yell. YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK?  I yell again. The door bell stops ringing and I’m still playing. I’m still stabbing people and getting 1 shot 1 kill headshot points and all the while im racking the points up some mother fucker stabs me. I respawn and instantly want revenge, however the guy who stabbed me manages to shoot me dead before I get my revenge. But now its double revenge, now I don’t give a shit what is happening around me .. i’m going for this guy.. this guy is now going to feel my wrath. I respawn and he gets me with a grenade ((ding .. dingaling .. BOOM ! ))  What the fuck ????  WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK…. IM GONNA KILL YOU .. YOUR FUCKING DEAD.. OMG .. your soooo … boom .. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT ????????????   HOW THE FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCK >????  he gets me again… I’m gonna get him .. ah ah ah ah …breathing very heavy now .. gotta breathe .. oooooooooo… I’m running now .. I’m running looking for this mother fucker .. I run up some stairs and I see him at the end of the building .. ha ha .. your gonna get it now .. no its too easy to shoot him .. its way too easy I gotta slice him .. slice him good then tea bag his face .. I’m gonna tea bag him ha ha ha .. he sucks .. he sucks sooo much … just as I’m running towards him he jumps off the building .. I run to the edge .. and there he is looking up at me .. and shoots me in the face with a shot gun .. BOOM… !  .. I fall off the building landing on the ground and as I watch the kill cam I see him kill me .. I fall off the building and he then …. OMG .. NO NO .. the fuckin humanity .. tea bags meeeeeeeeeeeee…. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUUUUCK THIS GAME ITS A PIECE OF SHIT …. AHHHHHHHHHHH

I take my Playstation and throw it right out my window .. then jump out the window with it… when I woke up police had me in custody .. and asked why I broke into someones house played COD for 36+ hours and never left? Then jumped out a window with the machine?

I had nothing to say but talk to Infinity Ward.

I’m LeeRoy ………. Modern Warfare is like a little bit of sprinkled crack on a slice of pizza hut pan pizza then you bite into it get hooked and realize there is crack in the crust. FUCK YOU PIZZA HUT !!

Palm Pilots

This guy on the train is using a Palm Pilot..

Not a Treo, but the old school one with the stylus.

I will continue to observe the situation to see if the 90’s comes back to punch him in the cock amd take it’s Palm Pilot back.

25 Days till Xmas

It’s December 1st. Again.

Already.

Sheesh, it’s been quite the year. Aside from the snow this morning, it doesn’t really feel like Christmas.

When I was a kid, there would be crazy snow all November, everyone has Christmas lights up, Christmas sales and events were everywhere, and the general Christmas spirit made everything feel right.

Funny enough, I was out of the country last year, and despite no snow, Christmas was amazing there. However, it wasn’t as multicultural as it is here in Toronto.

Now it’s about selling stuff. Not even buying stuff like a few years back. It’s completely about the sale.

Bleh.