Tips to save the environment for Christmas…

Tips on having a Green Christmas

With food:

1. When purchasing food over the holidays only purchase from local farmers. If you don’t have a farm close to your home, you can get free food from the food bank who doesn’t care if you make over $100,000 a year and drive a 2009 Lexus ISF. Load the trunk up with as much free food that you can get that will save the environment.

2. Recycling food: You can recycle food from prior get-togethers. That Baptism cake from back in August is still good a little dry but just add some water to it to moisten it up. You can also add olive oil  and a little milk to revive that 6 month old cake. Peel the icing off with the Baptism names on it or what ever is on it and put new icing. Just make sure its icing that you made yourself.

3. While you’re cooking your food, leave the oven door open and turn off your heat in the house. Your oven will heat your house.

4. Grow your own fruit, vegetables, turkey’s in your back yard.

5. Fill everyone’s glasses that you widdled out of wood prior .. with snow.. it will be a nice cold snack while they sit there and when it melts it will be a good portion of protein and water.

6. Make lots and lots of salad out of tree leaves and pine cones and squirrel nuts.

Free tree from last year! Score motherfucker!

Green Decorating tips for Christmas:

1. Use real shit. Instead of buying fake mistletoe use real toes. Instead of fake plastic ornaments….make your own ornaments from carving wood into little animals, or use things around your house just hang those things off the tree. Like ear phones, used extension cords as garland, and use a barbie doll for the angel on top. Use pine cones and dead leaves that you find outside your house.

2. Buying a Christmas tree? Don’t bother you are killing the environment by doing this. And don’t buy a fake tree because you are killing the environment with a plastic tree. Buy a tree from a garden store that you can keep indoors all year round in a pot. If that doesn’t work then build a fake tree by carving old wood that you have laying around into a tree and a bicycle for fun.

3. Instead of Christmas lights that waste electricity why not purchase candles and place them along your roof top for a nice fiery glow at night.

4. Decorating your dog on Christmas will save the environment, you can take old socks or underwear and re-use them to make pretty little sweaters for your dog to stay warm instead of dying a freezing cold death and ruining Christmas for you and your rotten children that wont walk him.

5. Decorate your kitchen table with wood or pine cones and leaves, place a tip jar in the middle and watch how much you make from your family. They may think its funny but they will put money in it because they are stupid and you are smart.

6. Instead of carpet tear up your grass in the back yard and use it in your dining room and at the front door of your house. Not only does it smell great it looks nice and expensive as well as it will insulate your home while your heat is off.

7. Shaving cream looks like snow. So save the environment and spray everything with shaving cream then punch your dog in the face till it stops barking.

The Xmas Rocket

Staying green while you holiday travel:

1. Walk to your family’s house, ski to your family’s house only with real ski’s that you made out of wood. Don’t ever use your car or train or plane.. your killing the world and baby Jesus is crying because of you.

2. Ride your bike with your child on your back in a sack. Make sure this is not a metal store bought bike that will kill the earth, make sure you widdle with your rambo knife (never use a chain saw because your killing the environment) a clown bike with 3 seats or even 8 seats that your entire family can enjoy peddling over the hills they go laughing all the way in a wooden clown bike that seats 8 in the snow.

Enough gifts for everyone!

Green Gifts to give:

1. The best gift to give is your time. You slaved all year for a paycheck the least your ungrateful children and wife can do is shut the fuck up for Christmas. If your asked what you want for Christmas say you want to be left alone.. not only will this save you money this will save the environment and the risk of one of your children being punched in the fucking skull for talking back during present time.

2. Give your children the gifts that keep on giving, a nice piece of wood and a knife to crave themselves an Xbox. This way not only will you be saving the environment you will be teaching your children a good lesson in working for a living and carving skills that they will need when they get older.

3. When your wife looks at you and wonders where her gift is .. tell her that your the gift that keeps giving everyday. She will realize what she has and shut the fuck up.

4. Giving gifts to your extended family? Don’t.. instead write on a piece of toilet paper Merry Christmas with a chocolate brown organic marker not only will they be happy to receive your Christmas wish they will be amazed that you were able to write so neatly with your own shit on toilet paper.

5. Make wooden whoopie cushions for everyone so that when everyone is making the whoopie cushions toot ..you can pass gas all night not only are you saving the environment you are heating yourself and the house. You are also recycling your intake of food into gas to keep you warm.

I’m LeeRoy .. and have a Merry Green Environmentally Ill Christmas.

Playing out your headlights

I replaced my headlights a few weeks ago. I bought ultra white bulbs and made sure they weren’t tinted blue.

Why?

Well c’mon. Who really has blue lights? HIDs have a bluish tint, but HID lights don’t come stock on Honda Civics, 15 year old minivans, and 1980 VW rabbits.

Seeing that blue lights are being played out like 8 bit Nintendo, I think by the Summer, they will either be banned, or the fad will be dead.

Although..we could see some Ed Hardy blue lights soon that could double kill the fad…

We’ll see. Time will tell…

Redneck Conspiracy

Going too far…

shit goes wrong when you go one step over kinky.
you pee in the shower,
she’s ok with it.
you pee on her in the shower,
she’s ok with it.
she’s in the shower, and you’re on the can taking a shit,
she’s ok with it.
she’s laying on the couch, and you’re shitting on her chest as she’s watching sex and the city,
you might have gone too far.

specially if you didn’t say anything to her about it first..

Chaz Bono: Fat, Ugly, Lesbian Woman to Fat, Ugly, Lesbian Man

You know, sometimes people are so stupid that you have to wodner how they have been alive as long as they have.

Chasity Bono was a big lesbian, and daughter of Sonny and Cher, then she got a sex change so she can become a big lesbian that is trying to be a man.  In any case she is a fat lesbian, that is still a woman, but with the medical condition,” trying to hard”. She has changed her name now to Chaz, which is equally as stupid.  Is that a mans name, or something you name your pet hamster?

Chasity Bono as a Woman

Chasity Bono (Woman)

Chasity Bono as a Man

"Chaz" Bono ("Man")

I dunno.  Still looks like a fat lesbian to me.

Wait till people start going for race reassignment.  White people becoming Black people, Asians becoming Arabs. They give you some pills that change your skin colour slightly, they give your coloured contacts, a bigger penis, smaller penis,  curly hair, straight hair, different nose, eyelids, whatever, and tada!  You’re a different race.

It’s too bad that sex, as with race, you’re the only person that knows you’re different, everyone will still think you’re the same.  Hopefully Chaz is taking her “lying to herself” pills… Because at the end of the day, she’s still just a fat lesbian..

You know who I think I look like..

No one is going to be licking your fingers..

I remember working at this new company a few years back and meeting one of my co-workers for the first time, I introduced myself, and when he did a return introduction, he said, “you can call me JT”.  Definitely different from his real initials of, well, we’ll say SG.

Of course I am curious, some people of different backgrounds use more westernized names and nicknames sometimes (he was white though), or perhaps you go by your middle name(s), or what ever.  This wasn’t the case. He said “Well I look like Justin Timberlake, so you can just call me JT”.  He looked like Justin Timberlake just as I look like Dr, Manhattan in The Watchmen.

OMG...Cher? WTF? Try Bram Strokers Dracula..

Sometimes it’s OK to think in your head that you look like a celebrity, but when you need to start trying to convince people that you look like, are related to, or are that celebrity, it’s going a little far.

Funny enough I see this happen more with guys.  I have met people that have had a habit of telling other people who they look like, and it’s almost always guys.  We go to a bar, they walk up to a girl, and tell them straight out that they look like Jude Law, or Brad Pitt.  The icing on the cake is cutting your hair like that person and trying to dress like that person.  How many Brad Pitt movies must you rent before you think you pulled it off?

I don’t want to know who you think you look like because that’s a really sad existence. Celebrity impersonation is for drag queens..

Was this your mom?

Because you know this was probably a woman driver on the phone..

Anyways, you know “she” got caught.  believe it or not, this happened in a suburb outside of Toronto, Canada.  I though this stuff only happened in the US..

The gayest workout ever

Doesn’t get gayer than this.  I always knew there was something up with those gym metrosexuals..

Jon and Nadya Plus 14 plus another 8 on Weekends

Octomom Is Hot For Jon Gosselin – [myfoxphilly.com]

PHILADELPHIA – Octomom Nadya Suleman says Jon Gosselin is hot and she has a crush on the reality TV dad.

Suleman spoke with Radar Online about the 32-year-old former “Jon & Kate” star, and she also had some life advice for Kate Gosselin.

“I wish everyone would leave her alone. I’m sure she trusts herself and trusts that she’s strong enough to handle it.”

But her best comments were about Jon Gosselin.

“I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin,” Suleman said. “I think he’s hot!”

Suleman has 14 children, including her octuplets. Jon Gosselin has eight children, including his sextuplets.

—-

Make babies and profit!

(se: I would definitely tune in to watch “Jon and Nadya plus 22“. It’s like one of those crazy Mormon families, except for Nadya being bat shit crazy, and Jon being an attention whore. Imagine the crazy antics that you’ll get to see.  Also picture the look on Kate’s face when Jon goes to pick up his kids for a custody visit in a school bus.

In reality we’re all waiting for Jon, Kate, and Nadya to have their kids taken away and them all locked up in some mental ward for being retarded unfit parents.  Using your kids as a gateway to fuel your own fantasies of being a celebrity are weak. I’m looking at you too Billy Ray Cyrus..)

Thank You Tim Hortons!

I have began to realize that the world is coming to the end. People don’t say thank you no more and its pissing me the fuck off. I go to Tim Horton’s and I got some immigrant behind the counter. This is the conversation…

Tim Horton’s Worker: Jello Slim Norton?

Me: Can I get a medium double double please and … (before I can finish)

Tim Horton’s worker: Huge 3 suga milky topamus?

Me: WTF?  A medium double double please and …an an (before I can finish)

Tim Horton’s worker: Yeh dis what I say .. Medium double ..3 sooo soooo.

Me: Listen close dog dick ..im only gonna say this one more fucking time before I drive my fuckin car through your drive through window….please listen close now .. M.E.D.I.U.M ….D.O.U.B.L.E ….D.O.U.B.LE

Tim Horton’s worker: shhhhhhhhhhhhh snap crackle pop..shhhh (static) 2 minutes passes.

Me: (I drive up to the window) .. HELLO ??? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED ???

Tim Horton’s worker: Didn’t herrrrd you ..jew want Medium double double ?

Me: Yes I do .. annnnnnnd .. can I also get an Apple Fritter ?

Tim Horton’s worker: APPLE FARTAR?? APPLE FARTAR???

Me: Listen you mother fuckin 5 dollar an hour cant speak any English welfare stealer .. give me my mother fucking coffee before I freak the fuck out and kill everyone in this place.

Tim Horton’s worker: APPLE FARTAR ..AND MEDIUM DOUBLE MILK DERRR YA GOOOOOO ..

Now while all of this is going on, they don’t even ask you to please drive up to the window. Nope, and when you pull up at the damn window,they just reach out in your face with a blank stare, and I look at them and say how much shit for brains? ..UMMMMM.. they begin to count with there hands and when they finally come up with a random price off the top of there heads, they take the money and hand you everything you didn’t ask for. You ask for a small, you get a large. You ask for a coffee, they give you a hot chocolate. You ask for a sandwich and they give you a tin of coffee. Then they close the window. WHAT?  NO THANK YOU?  I just paid your wages bitch. I come here to get my coffee, I want a thank you. I gave you my hard earned money for a shitty coffee,  I expect a fuckin thank you. But nooooooo..

Example. I am at Tim Horton’s the other day. While I was standing at the front counter, no one was behind it. Just as the worker came up to the counter, another Tim Horton’s worker came up behind me and she began talking with that one. The one behind me said “you need to restock the Tim Horton’s tins”. The girl behind the counter punched in a tin of coffee and asked me for the fucking money. I looked at her and said WTF are you talking about? The Tim Horton’s worker behind me said “NO NO NO, you need to restock the tins”, and then they both laughed ..MEH MEH MEH MEH ..DERKA DERKA..MOHAMMED JIHAD.. Then the girl asked me if I had been served? I said “how many people you got working here right now ?”,  She said “me and the other girl behind you”. I said, “so if you didn’t take my order and the girl behind me is BEHIND ME, WHO THE FUCK WOULD HAVE TAKEN MY COCK SMOKING ORDER WHORE MASTER?”.  She said something, I don’t know ..SALLLLLAAAA KA KA KA KALLLLLLAAAAA LA LA LA LA LA LA .. DARINDER PAUL .. JUMP JEEP … KICK BACK .. AND HIT MYSELF DER PAUL.  I don’t know what the fuck was going on. She gave me my shit and I was out of that bitch.

So WTF?  Am I the only one with this problem? How hard is it to do your job? Oh yeah I forgot your mothers, fathers, sisters goat owns the Tim Horton’s, and he lives in Bakalakadakastan, so he don’t give two fucks, now does he?

FUCK TIM HORTONS. This stupid shit is gonna make me turn to another coffee shop. Ummm.. Starbucks? LOL. Fuck that. I don’t want to make my own double double for $5 bucks a pop.

Im LeeRoy, and thank’s for nothing Tim Horton’s!