Photography: Not a real job.

Funny enough, I’ve noticed in that in the last few years, that I now know about 1000 photographers.  I think every second person that I’ve met in my life is now a photographer.

When I was younger I used to be an avid photographer.  I used to buy the books, subscribe to the magazines, and spend all my money on film and camera stuff.

It was fun to take pictures, but it was a hobby.  It was something to do.

Welcome to 2009.  Where everyone hates their jobs, can afford to buy a 500$ camera.

Here are the steps to becoming a professional photgrapher:

1. Hate your job.
2. Have enough money for a decent camera.
3. Have a printer at home to print your own business cards.
4. Have someone that can pay your rent (parents).
5. Add ‘Photography’ to your name (ie. John Smith Photography).
6. Spend your weekends taking pictures of stuff.
7. Carry a camera around with you always.  Every shot is an award winning shot.
8. Use craigslist to find models to take pictures of.
9. Become friends with a Starbucks barista, hoping to get your picture on the wall.
10. Have a dream.

I really like #10.  Because you really need a dream to succeed.  out of those 1000 photographers I know, maybe…2, and thats just pushing it..2 people out of those 1000 probably make a very uncomfortable living from being a photographer.

I have a few hobbies that I was I could quit working so that I can do them full time.  These would be:

1. Play video games.
2. Ride my motorcycle.
3. Eat.
4. Sleep.
5. Hang out.

You know. Honestly I will not make money from doing any of that.  I might as well become a photographer.  I wonder if I was to add these hobbies to my name and make my own business cards, would it work out?

• Shaun Empire Gaming
• Shaun Empire Riding
• Shaun Empire Eating
• Shaun Empire Sleep Technology
• Shaun Empire Professional Hanging

Who knows.. Probably not.

Maybe I will just pick up a Camera, quit my job, and see where it takes me.

Morning coffee

See.. This bitch knows I need my coffee!

Every morning I come into the office and get my coffee cup and hit the coffee maker….

It so happens that this takes 20 minutes.

Do you know why?

Because there is always that person that is standing in front of the sink spending 19 minutes scrubbing and washing out their coffee cup like they just had a cup of fucking AIDS.

Like come on. You just had coffee in that cup, and now you are getting another cup of coffee.  It’s not like homeless people were using your cup as a urinal 10 minutes ago. There was coffee in it.

Why do you need to wash it like that, especially when you have people waiting to rinse out their cups and get coffee.

Everyone in the office hates you.

Chris Angel is God

Do it!!! You can come back to life right?

I was watching Chris Angel the other day and after he levitated and walked up the side of a building I came to the realization that Chris Angel is God. If not God then he is Jesus reborn, I mean Jesus turned water into wine. But Chris Angel walks on water. He can cut off parts of his body and put them back on. He can disappear then reappear like a fuckin ghost or some shit.

That brings me to the name, Chris ANGEL …hmmm… last name is ANGEL.. sounds like its right in our face for all to see but we are all blind like Ray Fuckin Charles. Chris Angel is an actual Angel and he can do all those things that Jesus can do but better. I know your saying what about David Blaine?  FUCK DAVID BLAINE ! So now back to Chris Angel and Jesus Christ.

Chris Angel is amazing this guy first off is Greek .. and you know back in the day Greeks were people from Athens and Athens had warriors and big places to fight and watch soccer matches.  Greeks were the first people on the earth and they invented Slovakia and Gyro’s. God and Jesus never invented that Greeks did. And while I’m getting on that the Greeks had sex with sheep’s. Jesus didn’t have sex with gods creatures at all actually he supposedly never had sex with anyone. How can you be the son of God and not have sex with anything. If I was the son of God id be telling everyone that I was the son of God and id be smashing everything because everything is spectacular and nothing is fucking boring.

So Chris Angel is Greek and he can levitate bring himself back from the dead and get run over by a fuckin Hummer. Ask yourself can God get run over by a fuckin Hummer?  I think not .. and Chris Angel supposedly smells great ! Like cookies or some shit .. Jesus never smelled great .. he didn’t even smell bad .. he smelled like goat shit because he was a goat Herder and rode Chris Angels coat tails. He tried to be like Chris angel turning water into wine but Chris was like .. ha ha .. fuck water into wine .. I’m gonna turn nothing into something .. and he turned nothing into a great goat orgy from nothing .. FROM NOTHING.  He just snapped his fingers and boom goats out of the blue .. in orgy positions for every one to have when they want. I think that was pretty spectacular, he was an entrepreneur and gave sandals to the poor. That’s how Sandals Vacations became wealthy. Because it has the name Sandals in it.

So Chris Angel can disappear into the sand and walk on water and all that shit .. that’s crazy .. there should be a church called Angels of Chris church for me to go to and eat ice cream wich by the way was invented by Greeks and Greek the word actually means Angel in English. Besides you know Greeks invented Greece .. and Greece is really oil .. and oil makes the world go round, and that’s why Chris Angel is a God .. or he is God .. or more powerful like Voltron in space who looks over God .. and tell God .. look God .. I’m Voltron / Chris Angel I want you to get me a coffee and God is like no problem sir right away.

Do you think that Chris Angel vs Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris is like Jesus ..but just old and shit.. but serious .. Chris Angel would kick his stupid ass hole. I think Chris Angel would just turn Chuck Norris into a nute .. and then eat him because nutes are delicious. then he would burp and a earthquake would follow with death and disease. I know I know your saying David Blain .. FUCK DAVID BLAIN… if Chris Angel were to face off against David Blain .. Chris Angel wouldn’t even show up .. he would send Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris would fuck David Blain like a rabid fat goat in heat. By the way Greeks also invented heat.. have you ever been to Greece? Its hot there and that’s why Chris Angel created Star Trek because Star Trek and Tupac are HOT !  Paris Hilton didn’t even invent that word Hot .. Chris Angel did but because Paris Hilton is one of Chris Angels bitches .. because Chris Angel is a pimp .. hes Greek and has a giant heard of roaming goats and sheep remember. Anyway he invented Hot .. and Greek spelt backwards is Keerg and Keerg is like Keg wich is full of delicious beer and Chris Angel Invented it.

Look Chris Angel is higher then god or anyone like that .. and he does what he wants and that’s why he has a TV show and you dontso you cant even claim that im wrong. shhhhhhhh  just zip ..zip it.

I’m LeeRoy and Chris Angel is the Voltron of the universe and God is his bitch.

Going too far…

shit goes wrong when you go one step over kinky.
you pee in the shower,
she’s ok with it.
you pee on her in the shower,
she’s ok with it.
she’s in the shower, and you’re on the can taking a shit,
she’s ok with it.
she’s laying on the couch, and you’re shitting on her chest as she’s watching sex and the city,
you might have gone too far.

specially if you didn’t say anything to her about it first..

Tasers and Baby Jesus

I think everyone should be born with taser hands. Taser hands that shoot taser string things with lots of voltage and then everyone wouldn’t be stabbing and shooting each other because they have tasers for hands.

Back off! Get your own sandwich!

I personally love tasers and even if everyone isn’t born with taser hands everyone should have the right to own and carry a taser. Then when someone says “hey fuck you”, you can taser the shit out of that mother fucker. Could you imagine how cool that would be?  Just tasering random people and shit? Well not random people but I mean you’re on the bus to work and the bus driver wont give you a transfer …zaaaaaap! Tasred bitch! How did that feel? then the bus swerves off the side of the highway doing 100 kmh flipping into a ditch end over end. Then when people are laying dying they taser themselves to survive. Then like a guy’s car breaks down on the side of the road and you taser the battery and boom car is started. You get a black out and just taser everything in your house boom and you got television.

I think everyone should own or have tasers grafted into there hands because could you imagine sports?  Like in a Hockey game, the guy has the puck and zaaaaaaaap! Ohhh shit he got tasered, then like everyone is tasering everyone on the ice and the ice is making the charge 50% stronger because its ice and ice is delicious. So you’re watching a football game and zaaaaaaaap! Tasered bitch! Like Brett Favre goes to throw the ball and instead he tasers the whole other teams defensive line… crazy..

Like i’m sure baby Jesus had a taser, but his was natural. We all need a taser gun and we need to spit lava, that would be sick. But we suck, we have nothing but fists and feets and teeth and head butts ..   

Im LeeRoy …. and we should all have tasers because baby Jesus would want it that way.

Bugs Bunny Downtown?

Bugs?

Lady Bugs Attack Toronto

BREAKING NEWS:

Lady bugs are attacking Toronto and surrounding areas.

Billions of them!

Yesterday while sitting at my desk I noticed it getting really dark outside. I went looked up at the window and to my surprise the window was covered in rabid yeast infected lady bugs. I freaked out as they were banging against the glass window of the building with there fists. I ran outside and instantly was attacked by giant lady fucks that tried to crawl inside my ears and fuck my brain.

I have never seen anything like this in my life.  My co-worker Natasha was outside swatting them away with a bottle of ice tea and screaming at the top of her lungs “fuck you fuckin fucks,ill fuckin fuck you into the fuckin ground lady bug fuck.”, and she is a church going, well mannered woman who wouldn’t curse to save her life.

I quickly found myself fighting with the rest of my fellow co-workers to live. It was us against millions of pissed off robot siamese yeast infected lady bugs (run by the FBI). I was punching them right in the face. I was just swinging for the fences not knowing what I’m hitting. I knocked out a couple co-workers accidentally, but it was a swarm, we ran inside and hid. But it didn’t end the entire out side of the office building was covered by rabid humping lady bugs and we eventually exited the building and just ran while we punched the lady bugs dead in there mouths.  Luckily just as the swarming started it ended. Today I came into work and no lady bugs were around.

It was freaking crazy!

The swarming shut down businesses, community centers and most people stayed indoors. Report of 48 deaths by lady bug mauling, 3 people had there wallets stolen by the lady bugs and there was over 100 separate incidents involving lady bugs cutting the brake lines on cars, painting graffiti on walls, attempting drive by shootings in stolen vehicles, and DUI’s.

All in all it was a horrible day to say the least, and next time I see a lady bug I will yell in its face then drop kick it in the back when its not looking.

I’m LeeRoy …………………Ill punch a lady bug clear in the jaw.

Nature travelling through time to stop Large Hadron Collider, terminate Sarah Conner

Large Hadron Collider is ‘being sabotaged from the future’ – [News.com.au]

SCIENTISTS claim the giant atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is being jinxed from the future to save the world.

In a bizarre sci-fi theory, Danish physicist Dr Holger Bech Nielsen and Dr Masao Ninomiya from Japan claim the LHC startup has been delayed due to nature trying to prevent it from finding the elusive Higgs boson, or “God particle”.

They say their maths proves that nature will “ripple backward through time” to stop the LHC before it can create the God particle, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather.

“One could even almost say that we have a model for God,” Dr Nielsen says in an unpublished essay.

“He rather hates Higgs particles, and attempts to avoid them.”

—-

The worlds most expensive thing that doesn't work. The LHC.

(se: Maybe I am too sober to figure this out.  So… what you’re saying is “nature” is going back in time to make sure the LHC doesn’t work so that we can’t find the God particle?

Is this just an excuse because billions were spent on a machine that was supposed to do some Star Trek shit, and it’s never actually worked, and scientists are like ‘oh fuck, maybe we should have built a small cheap one to test first‘. C’mon, you guys are fucking scientists, you should be able to do better than this shit.  You’re making shit up from the Terminator movie. LHC = Skynet, Nature = Terminator..you know..

Hopefully my tax dollars weren’t used to build this big piece of expensive shit. Thank god Canada spends all it’s money on Pride Parades, and Refugees.. then again.. that’s kinda like the LHC – Gay and doesn’t work… fuck… what a lose/lose..)

Hand Sanitizer bottles WTF ?

So I have two hand sanitizer bottles on my desk. Both have gotten low, and I came to realize that even though they still have about a cm left in the bottom, you cant get any of it out.

I looked at the bottom of these bottles and realized that they have indents so where the straw thingy sits all the actual sanitizer sits around the outside. Why the fuck would they make these like this?  I was thinking that the government covered this up because by inverting the bottoms of these sanitizer bottles they make you buy them earlier. You have to keep buying them and then you get the bird/swine flu, and ebola, all because the government wants to take away your drivers license for running down pedestrians that are illegally taking there sweet ass fucking time jay walking across Chingacousy Rd.

Anyway, it’s a cover up. Check out the bottom of your sanitizer bottles you will see what I mean. That’s all i’m saying ..

My name is LeeRoy… and its a fuckin’ cover-up !